WEB 2. NO

I was thinking I should update my online portfolio. Oh I know, all of you out there update your sites every 3 weeks. But I haven’t really gone near it in quite a while. So in preparation, I asked a few friends what they thought of my old url. The responses were interesting.

“You don’t have any digital.”

“Where’s the digital?”

“Digital? Seriously”

Ok ok, like I said it’s been awhile. I HAVE digital, I just haven’t put any on my site. So before I went through the painful process of changing my port, I thought I’d check out the digital rich sites of my friends. (Who really aren’t a very helpful group, if you think about it.)

You know what I saw? Great print. Great TV. Great radio (ha). And a whole bunch of flash banners that featured something kicking something and a bad pun.

Seriously. It was like a dog kicking a beer can and the line “Kick off the Big Game with a 18 pack of Coors Lite.”

This is what I’m missing? Seriously? If these were print ads, they would get laughed out of ad 101. I understand that the web is a different medium, but come on.

A lot of these ads remind me of television commercials from the black and white days. Simple, goofy, and so desperate to grab attention that they are dumbed-down to the point of surrealism.

So I’ll get digital on my site eventually. But in the meantime, don’t get all huffy with me. We may think we’re in the golden age of web advertising, but the fact is, this is just the beginning, or the end of the beginning or whatever Churchill said.

Disclaimer: I am sure that everyone reading this has wonderful digital work on their portfolios. Incredible deep and strategic ideas that are interactive, viral and just oozing with social media.

How to get a job in advertising 2011 edition

Oh how the mighty have fallen. A few years ago creatives were sending out cover letters that were cocky as all hell.

“If you’re looking for copy that burns, contact me. I’m not gonna give you my phone number. If you’re smart enough to get me, you’ll figure it out.”

Today’s cover letters are a bit more “pathetic”. Filled with a lot more “begging.”

Dear Creative Director, I have over 10 years of experience in advertising. I have 20-30 produced national televisions commercials, including 7 Super Bowl spots. I HAVE awards too numerous to mention and I am related to 22 Academy Award Winning directors (all of who are willing to work for scale if it’s on one of my spots). And I personally created dramatic gopher, keyboard cat and Rick Rolling. I am looking for a full time job in advertising. If you have nothing open…if there is no current position at your office…I would be winning to work….for FREE. Call 24/7.

I wish I was making this up. But I have actually seen many offers to work for free. Now doing any job for nothing sucks. But working in advertising for no money real really sucks. Think about it, you’re selling out for NO MONEY. You would make the same salary just sitting on the couch playing XBOX.

I know, I know….if I get in the door, they’ll find out how talented I am. They’ll dump some no-talent hack and give ME their salary. I have two problems with this scenario:

1. Bad Karma dude

2. They’ll never pay you

3. XBOX

Very Negative Advertising

Spoliers! This is not a real news event. It is an ad for the game, Homefront. Now that we have that cleared up, lets explore how this happened.

"We really need to get people's attention. Are there any topical events we can cling to?"

"Well North Korea is threatening an attack, but it would be very irresponsible to..."

"Great, we can use that. We'll make it a fake news event. Worked for Orson Wells."

'Who?"

"Never mind. We'll stick it on YouTube. Big picture of Hilary Clinton to make it seem legit."

"The Secretary of State? You can't just use her imag..."

This thing is gonna go big. I bet it'll go viral. Stupid people will even post this thing on their blogs.

Oh come on, that's never gonna happen.

The Change

Spend a few years in advertising, and you’ll rack up quite a few late nights. Nights when the evil boss/client/AE dumps a big project on your desk and needs it in the morning. Then comes the pizza, and the coffee, and the booze. And finally at 1am you and your coworkers spill out into the night and climb into your cars (one of which won’t start).

Now, rack up a few MORE years. And suddenly you’re the one telling them they have to work late. Staring into their tired little eyes and saying those dreaded words, “you gotta stay.”

Ouch. Now you’re the bad guy. You’re not one of us, you’re one of THEM.

But you’re not ready. In your heart, these people are your friends. You see them every day. You eat with them. Get drunk with them. Get really, really drunk with them. And so you start feeling guilty.

But it has to end sometime. I mean the bosses don’t walk out weeping. I figure it gets a little bit easier every time you do it. The guilt lasts a day, then a few hours, until you find yourself telling a room full of people on Dec 24 that you need to see 5 new campaigns in 3 days (right when you get back from your trip to Aspen).

But I’m not there yet. I still feel bad when I make people work late. Real bad. But I figure I’ll get there eventually. I mean it happens to everyone, right?

Right?

Oscar Fever

So the Oscars are over. The speeches are done. And all those lame parties have wrapped (and I wasn’t invited AGAIN).

So what does the Academy Awards show have to do with advertising? Well apart from the fact that it is essentially a three-hour commercial for movies, I think the Academy Awards has a big effect on advertising creatives.

Admit it. When you see those people up there thanking their moms and gods, all you’re thinking is, “that could be me.” “If I had taken a different path. If I had made better choices. If I hadn’t dumped that writing partner who I thought was an loser, but turned out to be a genius.” A few more speeches later and the thought process begins to change. “Wait, there’s still time. I can pull out my old screenplay, take a few acting classes, call mom and ask for my old camcorder! How long would it take before I’M up there? One year? Maybe two? And what would (I mean WILL) I say when it’s my time to make a speech? Oh I can remember watching these awards a few years ago. I was in a dead-end advertising job, writing a smart-ass blog and praying for a way out. And tonight I am the toast of Hollywood! Now where’s my gift bag?”

And don’t think for a second it’s just a desire for a new creative output. A dream to create media that people actually WANT to watch. We know what it means to be one of those people at the podium. It means an end to Monday status meetings. An end to print ads. An end to advertising. It means long lunch meetings in sunny Malibu, coke parties in the Hollywood Hills and lots of fun development projects that won’t necessarily ever get made but pay remarkably well.

And then MORE awards and MORE money. And finally when you’re 95, they wheel you on stage at the Oscars and you get a standing ovation. Just try to keep the drooling at a minimum.

Also…sucked that banksy didn’t crash.

Is there anybody out there?

Ok, I get it. I dropped this blog without a word of warning. One day I was there, the next GONE. So what happened? Why did the Beef suddenly dry up? There are a few likely possibilities.

1. Got laid off

2. Got discovered

3. Got bored

4. Got really really busy because everyone else got laid off.

Whatever the reason I left, I have decided to return. I mean, think of all the stuff I missed talking about. New Logo Madness. American Apparel getting even MORE pornier. And everyone getting laid off!

So tune it to the your friendly neighborhood Creative Beef. There won’t be updates everyday, but I will try to get something up every week. And together we can remember why we love advertising in the first place.

What was that again?

Couldn't have said it better myself

original here

Where's the beef?

You may have noticed I took last week off. Why? Well here’s a quick list of possible reasons:

Camped out all week to secure my place in line for Twilight.

High drama and layoffs at CosmoDemonic.

Came to the sudden realization that the Microsoft Vista campaign is brilliant.

Spent last week in a conference room listening to standard CD lecture #12 (We Must Understand our Client’s Point of View.)

In training for Black Friday.

Just busy.

There are rumors

Mac sites are abuzz with stories that Apple is going to be super aggressive (going rogue?) this Black Friday. The details are sketchy. But the fan boys are getting excited.

Even if Steve doesn’t toss free nanos to the crowd, this should be a BF for the record books. Retailers are so desperate for our money that they’re going to be offering all sorts of insane deals. Free merchandise! Deeeeep discounts! Happy endings in the back room!

But I don’t need the promise of a HJ to get excited about Black Friday. To me it’s one of our high holy holidays. You see, I’m not a very religious person, so I have to cling to the secular celebrations. Days when we as a people decided to go bat shit crazy. Days like Super Bowl (I mean the Big Game), Cinco de Mayo, St Patrick’s Day and of course, Black Friday.

I love everything about it. The noise, the deals, the crowded parking lots. I even love the crowds. There is something exciting about losing yourself in a massive mall of humanity. And then there’s the promise of fulfillment. Laser printers for $99. Laptops for under $400. iPhones for only [TOO LOW TO MENTION!].

So this November 28, do yourself a favor and head to a mall near you. It’s a great way to help our economy and join together with your fellow consumers.

A BF Safety Message
If you are planning on purchasing a Nintendo wii this Black Friday, please be careful. People will do almost anything to get a hot holiday gift on Black Friday. People like me. (I have a number of heavy metals tools in my trunk that would make excellent weapons.)

How to get a job in advertising

Chapter 7-What to bring on the first day.

Okay, you’ve set your alarm, laid out your work clothes and you’re all ready first your first day as an advertising creative. Or are you?

What are you going to bring to the office? You’re going to be spending a lot of time in that tiny cube. You’d better bring some things from home to make your stay more comfortable.

Stuff for the walls
The walls of your cube are like your locker in high school. You’ll want to add decorations to make you feel more at home and let your coworkers know just how interesting you are. A calendar is a good start. But why stop there? Hang up ads pulled from Archive, retro postcards and typography posters. If you have a family, put up their picture. If you don’t, hang up photos of attractive strangers. Remember, nudity is frowned on at work unless it’s the artsy, black&white stuff.

Stuff for your desk
Your agency will supply you with office supplies, but you’ll want to bring some stuff from home to mark your territory. The type of desk toys depends on your position. If you’re an AAE, you’ll want to stick with professional equipment. Creatives can go for the Hello Kitty Pen and Pencil Set.

Emergency supplies
I’m not talking about water space blankets. Every person in advertising needs an emergency kit. It should include the following:

Stick of deodorant
In case you forget or need to recharge before an EOD meeting

Altoids
Morning breath/Post lunch breath

Band-Aids and Advil
The only time the first aid kit in the break room will be empty is when you’re bleeding to death or suffering from a head-banging hangover.

Clean dress shirt/blouse
Always keep a clean top at the office. You don’t want to walk into a meeting with a giant coffee stain on your shirt.

Condoms
Office parties, drinks after work and late nights make these a necessity if you’re single (or tend to stray).

After you’ve collected all your supplies, stuff them into a leather satchel (suit) or an Army Medical Bag (creative), and you’re all set for you first day.

Oh, and be sure to bring a pen and pad.

Your father's right kids

You get the call. The Creative Director wants to see the whole staff. You drop everything, minimize your porn windows and rush to the conference room.

Sometimes it’s a new job. Sometimes it’s a lost/won account. And sometimes he/she just wants to talk.

CD’s love to tell stories, and their staff is the perfect audience. They come when called. They can’t say they’re too busy. And they laugh at all your jokes.

If you’ve ever worked for a story-telling CD, here are a few titles that may sound familiar:

This Is How Advertising Works

When I Was At The Hot Shop

They Stole My Brilliant Idea

All Account People Are Lazy Morons

All Creatives Are Spoiled Children

Why I Deserve My Huge Salary

Things Were Better Before Photoshop

Working At Home Is Not Really Work

When I Was A Junior

We Must Service Our Clients

I’m Under So Much Pressure.

I Totally Understand Things Like Youtubes And Facespace.

I Remember When We Had To Send Copy To The Typesetters

I Remember Airbrushing

My First Job In Advertising

Radio Is NOT A Dying Medium

Internet Advertising Is Just A Fad.

Everything Was Better In The 80’s

Pet Project Status Report

I Worked With [AD GOD] When He Was Just An Intern

Did I Ever Tell You About The Time I Directed William Shatner?

We deserve a break

Okay, I think the whole world needs to take a few days off. I mean look at what we’ve all been through in the past few weeks:

1. The end of a 2 year campaign that had us checking CNN polls every few seconds.

2. The worst economic crisis since the Great Depression

3. The Phillies won the World Series.

4. I think there was even some sort of dress-up holiday in there too.

And today I went to Target, and the store was filled with…Holiday stuff!

NOOOOOOOOOOO!

It’s too much. I’m not ready to face to holidays yet. We all need at least a week of sitting by the pool sucking on margaritas.

10 reasons why I'm glad the election is over

No more Wolf Blitzer!

No more heart palpitations when poll numbers “jump” .02%.

SNL can go back to sucking.

Can focus on more important news.
Who is Hillary Duff dating these days?

Don’t have to read headlines that contain the word, “hammer.”
McCain hammers Obama on economy.
McCain hammers Obama on Ayers.
Palin hammers Obama on possible Martian connection.

Can repair friendships with Republican friends.
I don’t really think you’re a fascist.

No more Joes!

I can actually get some work done.

I can go back to making snarky comments about advertising instead of making snarky comments about politics.

When I hear the name Palin, I’ll think of Michael.

What if?

So the election is over and the headlines have all been written. But what if things had turned out differently? What would yesterday’s papers have looked like?

Here is what I think we might have seen if a few of those red states had stayed red.

Our endorsement is…

Yes, that’s right. Creative Beef is endorsing Barack Obama for President. It’s a controversial choice, but that’s the kind of blog we are.

I know this post is a little late, but that doesn’t mean I was waiting to see who won.

Don’t be so cynical.

Get Out and VOTE!

In January, 1999 Wired magazine launched us into the year 2000 with one of its best covers ever.

Today we begin a new era that is just as unknown as the one we faced eight years ago.

Take a deep breath. Cross your fingers. And get ready to jump.

Happy Halloween!

The help get you in the spirit, here are some truly terrifying Hallowen headlines:

Halloween Headquarters
Spooky Savings
We’ve “slashed” our prices
Bargains Goo-lore
Devilish Discounts
Undead Deals
Satanic Sale
Blood-curdling Bargains
Night of the Living Deal
Zero Percent Fright-nancing

Death of the :30 spot?

So Obama's infomercial got better ratings than the World Series. And it was 30 minutes long!

As a copywriter who has spent days trying to fill a :60 radio spot, this is quite an impressive job.

Upwardly Mobile

As an urbanite, I spend a good deal of time traveling up and down in elevators. So for the benefit of all, I am presenting:

The Elevator Rules

If you only have to go up one story, use the stairs.
Exercise is good for you!

Do not apply perfume/cologne just before boarding the elevator.

No phone calls.
He did? No way! Again? I think I’m losing…I’m back!

Do not burp.
If you burp into your mouth and exhale through your nose, we can still smell your garlic fires.

If you have freight, use the Freight Elevator.

If you accidentally hit the wrong button, live with it.
Do not force the whole elevator to visit your favorite floors.

Figure out the direction the elevator is traveling before boarding.
Try checking the illuminated arrow on the wall.

Cover all sneezes and coughs.
Especially on a Friday.

Do not carry on loud conversations.
Unless it is about graphic sex.

You may not hold the door open for longer than 3 seconds.
Not nearly enough time for your friend to grab a bottle of water out of the break room fridge.

The Presentation-Chapter 2

The Deck

Any successful pitch has to begin with a deck. This is a Power Point presentation (Keynote for the fanboys) that will outline your marketing strategy. It has to be at least 90 pages long. Despite it’s length, its root message is very simple:

Your company is great!

This strategy will reinforce the greatness of your company.

Did we mention that your company is great?

So with so little to say, how is it possible to create a lengthy presentation? It’s surprising easy as long as you stick to a few simple rules.

Ask questions, then answer them.
It’s really easy to come up with the answers when you’re the one asking the questions. You can focus on all your client’s positive attributes and avoid the deep dark secrets.

Example:
PAGE 1
What does Xcorp do?
PAGE 2
Make great cookies.

PAGE 1
How do your customers see you?
PAGE 2
Warm, friendly and cheap.

PAGE 1
Are there any better cookies out the market?
PAGE2
No!

Repeat everything
Repetition isn’t just the key to advertising, it’s the key to decks. Remember, anything that isn’t said at least three times is never remembered.

Example:
You make great cookies.
You make great cookies.
You make great cookies.

You should use repetition even when you’re making a simple statement. Just make sure to use different words. Example:

PAGE 1
We will strive
PAGE 2
We will work hard
PAGE 3
We will succeed in making Xcorp the best company on the planet.

No only does this add pages to the deck, it also creates a comforting rhythm that will lull the client into submission.

Stats
Statistics are very important, and you will want to list a lot of them.

A beginner might think that it is logical to put a group of statistics on a single page. That is a mistake. If you’re ever gong to reach 90+ pages, each stat must have its own page. Example:

PAGE 1
30% of the focus group liked the cookies.

PAGE 2
20% of the focus group hated the cookies.

PAGE 3
50% of the focus group was confused by the question.

Then you can sum up.

PAGE 4

So in conclusion:

30% of the focus group liked the cookies.

20% of the focus group hated the cookies.

50% of the focus group was confused by the question.

Follow these simple rules and you will have a deck that is so mind-numbingly boring, that the client will approve anything just to get out of the room.