There are rumors

Mac sites are abuzz with stories that Apple is going to be super aggressive (going rogue?) this Black Friday. The details are sketchy. But the fan boys are getting excited.

Even if Steve doesn’t toss free nanos to the crowd, this should be a BF for the record books. Retailers are so desperate for our money that they’re going to be offering all sorts of insane deals. Free merchandise! Deeeeep discounts! Happy endings in the back room!

But I don’t need the promise of a HJ to get excited about Black Friday. To me it’s one of our high holy holidays. You see, I’m not a very religious person, so I have to cling to the secular celebrations. Days when we as a people decided to go bat shit crazy. Days like Super Bowl (I mean the Big Game), Cinco de Mayo, St Patrick’s Day and of course, Black Friday.

I love everything about it. The noise, the deals, the crowded parking lots. I even love the crowds. There is something exciting about losing yourself in a massive mall of humanity. And then there’s the promise of fulfillment. Laser printers for $99. Laptops for under $400. iPhones for only [TOO LOW TO MENTION!].

So this November 28, do yourself a favor and head to a mall near you. It’s a great way to help our economy and join together with your fellow consumers.

A BF Safety Message
If you are planning on purchasing a Nintendo wii this Black Friday, please be careful. People will do almost anything to get a hot holiday gift on Black Friday. People like me. (I have a number of heavy metals tools in my trunk that would make excellent weapons.)

Friday Fun

Okay, it’s crunch time. You and your partner need to concept some killer ideas. So find an empty conference room, pull out the sketch/legal pads and start concepting.

Whoa there, speedy. You might not want to rush into this. Like a fine wine, good creative takes time to develop. But what can you do while you’re waiting for inspiration to strike?

20 Ways to Waste Time When You're Supposed to be Concepting

Call an AE and ask for more information.

Flip through old copies of Archive and CA. Stop every few pages and say, “why can’t we do shit like this?”

Go on a 15-minute rant. Suggested titles:
This Place is Fucking Killing Me
Account People Are Lazy
If I Ran This Agency, Things Would be Different!
I Need to Put my Book Together

Check out the latest videos on YouTube

Check out the latest episode of You Suck at Photoshop.

“Research”

PS3, Xbox360, Wii

Foosball/Ping-pong

Get a coffee at Starbucks! Don’t go to the one in the lobby. Go to the one that’s six blocks away.

Steal a few beers out of the Creative Director’s private fridge.

Instant focus group. Call Libraries all over America and ask them what they think about your product.

Have a leisurely meal at a sit-down restaurant. Do not talk about the work. It’s bad for indigestion.

Acoustic guitar+trash can=ROCK BAND!!!!

Throw pencils at the ceiling.

Throw pencils at your partner.

If it’s late, pretend you’re Indiana Jones and explore the agency. Remember, the best treasure is hidden in the boss’s desk.

If it’s even later, look for computers that still have their email aps open. Read a few emails (or send some).

Go to the gym.

Have sex.

Call your CD and ask if you can show your stuff tomorrow EOD.

Joe the Friday

Okay, this is a stretch.

Yesterday, everyone was talking about Joe the Plumber. (“Everyone” may be a slight exaggeration.) To me, Joe the Plumber sounded like a children’s book. Joe the Plumber and the Magical Wrench. Joe the Plumber and the Musical Toilet.

So that got me to thinking. How come our industry doesn’t have its own children’s books? Aren’t we good enough for storytime?

So here are some suggested titles for a line of kid’s books with ad folks as the heroes:

John, the Copywriter Who Couldn’t Spell

Susie the Color Blind Art Director

Doris the AE Who Secretly Wished she Was a Creative

Dennis the CD Who Showed Up At Afternoon Meetings Drunk

Alice the Supply Stealing Freelancer

Dave the Hacker Who Gave Everybody CS3

Mark the Intern Who Gave Half the Office Chlamydia

Paul the Idea Stealing Creative

The Little Idea That Didn’t Go Anywhere.

Lisa’s Big Birthday Party That Had to Be Canceled Because Of a Rush Job

The Big Scary Client Who Turned Out To Be a Coward

Josh the Creative Who Liked To Wear Ties

The Big Scary Conference Room

Advertising perks that aren’t really worth it.

Free Lunches
An hour spent talking shop with your co-workers. Or worse, TWO hours listening to the client talk about the renovations on their beach house.

Office Parties
Free food and free drinks. But you have to pretend that this is your idea of fun. Plus a sexual harassment lawsuit is always a Jager-shot away.

Free Agency T-Shirts
The “Property of CosmoDemonic Creative Department” shirt really looses its appeal after they lay you off.

Free Product
How many tubes of toothpaste do you really need?

Late-night Pizza
Other bloggers have already written about this so I’ll just add one thing. Who’s the fucker who always orders the veggie pizza?

First Class Travel
At the end of a 16 hour shoot, there is very little difference between the 4 Seasons and Motel 6.

Free Internet
The internet is not a “perk.” It’s a necessity.

Free Tickets to Sporting Events
Actually, that’s pretty cool.

Free Tickets to Sporting Events, But You Have to Sit in the Section Where Business People Network.
Oh shit. Shut the fuck up Lance. I can’t concentrate on the game while you’re trying to convince your client to buy six more units of Fleet enemas.

3-Day weekend

Leave early.

Do not think about work.

Drink heavily.

Fresh Beef on Tuesday.

10 cool things to say Friday at 5

“Take it sleazy.”

“One more week in hell.”

“Fuck it. We’ll finish next week.”

“Think the client is gonna spend the weekend in their mansion or on their yacht?”

“60 hours with no fucking changes!”

“See you Monday, dickweeds.”

“Hey, I made it through another week without snapping!”

“I started drinking at lunch.”

“I’ll be unreachable.”

“This weekend, I’m totally gonna finish my portfolio.”



And 1 very uncool thing

“I’ll see you tomorrow.”

The 5 Mysteries

Where do clients come from?
I mean seriously, who are these people? They seem to have been born with no skills. They know nothing about marketing. They know nothing about the industry they work in. They have NO people skills. And yet, they have managed to climb the corporate ladder and wedge themselves into a position of power.

Why are Big Dumb Agency Creative Directors so cocky?
Everyone from the guys in the mailroom to the account sup knows that the work is crap. So why does the CD walk around like he’s some sort of Advertising God? He spouts wisdom he learned at Art Center. He uses phrases like edgy and outside-the-box. He kills idea after idea, because they’re not “cool” enough. And in the end, the final product is another piece of corporate shit.

What happened to my concept?
Last night we all agreed that my concept was in the presentation. We all left the office at the same time. Now at 8am, we’re sitting in the client’s reception area, and I find out that my idea has been killed or significantly changed. When the fuck did that happen? Are people having secret meetings at 3 in the morning?

Who is that guy?
He shows up at 11 and always leaves by 4. He wears sunglasses in the office and drives a brand new BMW. He has lots of meetings with the uppers behind closed doors. But he never seems to do any actual work. Who is that guy?

Who’s the mole?
The competition sees your layouts before the creative director does. When you advertise a sale price of $47.99, the competition offers $46.99. If you are “sharing” the business with another agency, they seem to have an almost supernatural knowledge about your ideas. Who is leaking all your agency’s secrets to the outside world? And is there money involved? And can I have some?

Fiscal Friday

As we all know, clients are constantly looking for ways to save money. So to give them a helping hand, here is a list of 11 things that are a total waste of money. Happy savings!

1. E-mail blasts

2. Banner ads

3. Focus groups

4. Mailers

5. Radio ads targeting teenagers

6. Print ads with more than 5 messages

7. 3 second tags with 15 lines of copy

8. Coolhunters

9. TV spots during season openers or finales.

10. Outdoor with more than 10 words

11. Ads trying to get Mac users to give Windows a try.

Friday Lists

5 things you don’t want to hear on Friday:

We’ll have the brief Monday, but think about it over the weekend.

The new head of marketing starts next week.

Human resources wants to see you Monday morning.

The Creative Director missed his flight. He’ll be coming back tomorrow.

Enjoy yourself, ‘cause next week is going to suck.


3 Vista strategies even more insulting than the one they’re using:

Everyone in the world is wrong about Vista. Except us.

Every time you insult Vista, the terrorists win.

I’m a PC, you’re a fucking idiot.


3 reasons why the Apple 1984 commercial is bad advertising:

They only ran it once.

What’s with the track suit?

Do geeks even watch the Superbowl?


5 warning signs:

Key card stops working.

“You didn’t get he email? I guess I forgot to put you on the list”

“They would never fire you.”

“Can you show Steve where you keep all your files?”

Email account is canceled.

Friday Fun

Last weekend, Los Angeles played host to the 2008 AnimeExpo. I decided to attend and see what it was all about.

I bought my ticket and dove into a sea of anime fans dressed as characters from their favorite shows. There were people dressed as Japanese schoolgirls, French maids, mutants, samurai, transformers, wiimotes, Hello Kitties, more schoolgirls, French maids with gas masks(?) and the occasional Jedi.

But my favorite moment was when I saw her:


I suddenly remembered that these people buy shit, a lot of shit. They are young, urban, highly-educated and with tons of disposable cash (Those French Maid costumes must cost a bundle.)

In other words, they are one of our targets.

So remember fellow advertisers, no matter how bad you want to mock a group always keep in mind rule 27 of marketing.

It doesn’t matter how crazy you are. If you’ve got a credit card, we want to talk to you.

Friday Fun

Donnie is back.

The second season of You Suck at Photoshop begins today.

Put away your magic wand and eraser tool and head here.

(If you have no idea what I’m talking about, go anyway. You Suck at Photoshop is one hi-f-ing-larious web series.)