Memo Tuesday

From: CosmoDemonic HR Department
To: Staff
Re: Illness

The cold and flu season is already here. So here are a few tips on how you can stay well and not miss work.

Avoid other people. Stay away from your friends. If you have a spouse, do not touch them. If you have kids, get rid of them.

Take a tip from the germ-phobic community and wash your hands a lot. I mean a lot. 20-30 times day. And don’t forget to use plenty of hand sanitizer.

Get a flue shot. In fact, you might want to get two or three. Doctors say this can be dangerous, but hey, what do they know?

The verdict is still out on zinc, Airborne and Echinacea, but that doesn’t mean you can use them. And don’t forget to take mega doses of vitamin C. If your urine isn’t a healthy shade of burnt umber, you’re not taking enough.

Even if you follow all these rules, you may still get sick. So here is a quick reminder of our sick day policy:

You get 5 sick days a year. You DO NOT have to use them all. If you have some left over at the end of the year you’ll get…nothing. But try not to use them all anyway.

It is our official policy that you should remain at home if you are sick. However, keep in mind that it is also our “official” policy to reward hard work, promote from within, and not sexually harass hot interns.

If you do have to stay home be sure to call your supervisor. Give him or her details of your illness. Don’t leave anything out. (Even if it involves the bathroom!)

If you have to be out more than a day, you might want to request that some work be sent to your home. If you are going to be out more than two days, your position will be given to someone who isn’t so weak.

Stay healthy, or else.

Memo Mednesday

From: CosmoDemonic HR Department

To: Office

Re: Cost-Cutting

The financial outlook for upcoming quarters is not very good, so in the next few weeks we will be initiating a number of cost-cutting methods to help keep CosmoDemonic profitable. Some will affect all of you, and some will affect some of you.

• We have revised our contract with Adobe so that only the most senior art directors will have access to the latest software. Lesser employees are encouraged to use a BIT of ingenuity TO pREveNT this from affecting productivity. (wink, wink)

• The refrigerator in the front kitchen will be turned off at night. If you have any food that needs to remain chilled, please transfer it to the brown fridge in the basement. (Note-The General Manager’s fridge is for his personal use only. Do not touch.)

• Starting next month, we will have a new health insurance program. Our new company will provide similar benefits at a reduced cost. If you have any questions, you may call their customer service hotline at 001-987-028348-9992782-9922-2 (Fluency in Serbo-Croatian will be helpful.)

• We can no longer afford a huge collection of fonts. From now on, you will limit yourself to the following: Futura, Helvetica, Times New Roman and Comic Sans. (Our client’s favorites!)

• To save on stock photography, we have placed a large collection of previously purchased photos on the server. With a little creativity, these can work for any ad. Who says you can’t have a picture of a kitten in an ad for condoms? Let’s think outside the box, people! (And feel free to bring in photos from home. Just think, you could make Aunt Mavis a star!)

• All sponsorship and charitable programs are temporarily on hold. It’s time the orphans learned that our world is an unpredictable and terrifying place.

• There is now a freeze on all raises. If you just had your review last week, congratulations. If your review is next week, bummer.

• Obviously some people will have to be laid-off. If you have received this email, your job is secure for the present. If you did not receive this email, you are being let go. Please spread the word.

• You are not alone. In a gesture of solidarity, our General Manager has traded in his company BMW M5 for a 750Li. This extreme sacrifice is a major blow to his social standing. If you survive the upcoming purges, please stop by his office to say, “Thank you.”

• Help is on the way. For the next weak and a half, the VPs will be attending a seminar on the Island of Molokai. They will be learning new methods of cutting costs and improving company morale. (Note-Since we will be short staffed during this time, some employees may need to work late and on the weekends.)

Remember, we are all in this together!

Welcome to the big time

Congratulations creative, CosmoDemonic has promoted you to Creative Director! Now that you’re a CD, you’ll never have to spend another minute in that lonely cube. Say goodbye to the Western Bacon at Carl’s and say hello to $150 lunches.

Now before you trade in your ripped jeans for a pair of kakis, you have an important decision to make. What kind of CD are you going to be?


Are you the demanding type? Never satisfied with anything and yet always suspecting that perfection lies just around the corner? Then you may want to be:

The Asshole

You are surrounded by a cloud of misery. People whimper when you scream their names. And you scream a lot.

You always kill the first round of work. And then you blame your team for screwing up. If they deviated from the brief, you yell at them for not listening. If they followed your instructions to the letter, you tell them that they are mindless sheep.

You demand long hours and countless versions. But hey, that’s what it takes to work for a genius like you.

The Outcome: The horrible working conditions mean high turnover and massive disloyalty. Anyone who is good will leave as soon as they can. The result is a constantly changing team of mediocre juniors and terrible midlevels.

End Result: Shitty Creative


Are you a true artists? Do the muses speak to you in hushed whispers? Or do they scream at you all night long? If you believe in ever conspiracy theory, you might want to be:

The Psycho

Nobody knows what you want, especially you. When a job comes around you send your team on a twisted journey down a dark path. Your “instructions” are a collection of random phrases and references to old 1970’s TV shows. Creative briefs? Those are for suits.

When your staff brings you work, you dismiss it with a series of strange, contradictory statements. This goes on for weeks as you explore the elusive nature of the project.

How do you treat your staff? One day you’re their best friend. The next day you’re a psychotic monster.

The Outcome: Riding out a boss’s mood swings can be fun, but after while it gets tiring. And despite the emotional rollercoaster, the lack of any real direction means that the work tends to end up strangely bland.

End Result: Shitty Creative


What is your goal in advertising? Make a lot of money? Do some great creative? Or is it your burning desire to never, ever get laid-off? If that sounds like you, then you may be:

The Mouse

You finally made it to the Creative Director’s office. And now, you will do anything to make sure you never leave it.

You will work hard to make sure you never get blamed for anything. Remember, if you don’t do anything, you can’t do anything wrong. There is no boat you will not not rock. If the client wants blue, blue it is. If they want 20 new headlines by noon, you deliver.

You feel constantly threatened by your staff. Especially the ones who keep coming up with “ideas.” But luckily, those people tent to leave rather quickly.

The Outcome: You win! If they can’t blame you for something, they have no reason to fire you. If your agency loses an account, you are the first to accept a voluntary pay-cut. The only way you’re leaving is inside a coroner’s bag.

End Result: Shitty Creative

Monday Memo

From: Management

To: CosmoDemonic Creative Department

Re: A Friendly Reminder

As you know, our office hours are 9am to 5pm. We have noticed that many members of the creative department are ignoring this and coming to the office at 9:30, 10 or even later! This practice must stop. As an employee you are required to put in at least 7 hours a day.

Now we realize that the concept of rules may be confusing to some of you. So here are some Frequently Asked Questions about our office hours:

If I come in early, does that mean I can leave early?
No. We encourage all our employees to come in early. We see it as a sign of dedication and company loyalty. But if you use early arrival as an excuse for knocking off at 4:30 so you can spend time with your family, we will have no choice but to terminate you.

Can I leave if I’m done with my work?
No. A creative’s work is NEVER done. If you finish before 5, please sit quietly in your cube and try not to disturb your coworkers. If this occurs regularly, take a tip from our lazier employees and slow down.

I get to the office around 9:30 and leave at 5, but I work at home for several hours every…
Okay, we knew this was going to come up. For the last time, WORKING AT HOME DOES NOT COUNT AS REAL WORK. We have no idea what you people are doing in your homes (and we don’t want to know.). Oh sure, you claim you spent two hours working on that layout, but how do we know you didn’t put it together during your morning commute? Oh, and you can stop using the “2am email trick” even we’ve heard of that one.

I regularly work more that 7 hours a day. Is this a problem?
No, no, no, no, no. You see, when it comes to minimum hours, we are totally fanatical. But when it comes to maximum hours, we are totally laid back. You want to work 14 –hour days and ignore your family? No problemo. You want to spend weekends sitting alone at the office? Cool. You want to work so many hours that you have a massive heart attack at 34? We’ll send your spouse a ham!

This does not make sense. It seems like you are judging us simply by the number of hours we sit in our chairs. By this reasoning, an employee who works hard and finishes their work quickly is less valuable than a slacker who surfs the web all day.
Good point. What’s your name?

Um, I forget.

Forced Fun For Everyone!

From: Management

To: All Employees of CosmoDemonic Advertising

Re: The Summer Party!



Yes, it’s that time again. The annual CosDem Summer party is happening this Friday, June 27. Below are just a few hints to make you sure you have a fun (and safe) time at the fiesta.

1. The party is being held at a very exclusive beach club. Please do not talk to or make eye contact with any regular members. They are not used to dealing with people like you, and they may find it frightening. Remember the scene in Caddyshack where the caddies took over the pool?

2. Each employee will receive two (2) drink coupons good for a beer, wine or cocktail. If you require more alcohol, you may get additional tickets from employees who are recovering alcoholics or Mormon. (See enclosed list)

3. Attire. We understand that this is a “beach” party but do try to keep your private parts private. And no flip-flops!

4. If you plan on drinking, please make sure the most junior member of your staff stays sober so that he/she can drive you all home.

5. Be sure to thank our general manager for throwing such a killer party. Note: The dark glasses he wears are for medical reasons only. They are not there so that he can check out your boobs.

6. Beach+Booze+Chicken Skewers=SEX! If you must have sex with one of your coworkers, please make sure they are in your department and at your level. Love between Junior Copywriters and Account Supervisors may work in the movies, but not in real life.

7. On the day of the party, the office will be closing at noon. However, if you still have work to do, you must stay at the office and finish it. We understand that your dedication will force you to miss out on those chummy networking moments that can lead to promotion, but we will try to save you some chicken skewers.