Memo Tuesday

From: CosmoDemonic HR Department
To: Staff
Re: Illness

The cold and flu season is already here. So here are a few tips on how you can stay well and not miss work.

Avoid other people. Stay away from your friends. If you have a spouse, do not touch them. If you have kids, get rid of them.

Take a tip from the germ-phobic community and wash your hands a lot. I mean a lot. 20-30 times day. And don’t forget to use plenty of hand sanitizer.

Get a flue shot. In fact, you might want to get two or three. Doctors say this can be dangerous, but hey, what do they know?

The verdict is still out on zinc, Airborne and Echinacea, but that doesn’t mean you can use them. And don’t forget to take mega doses of vitamin C. If your urine isn’t a healthy shade of burnt umber, you’re not taking enough.

Even if you follow all these rules, you may still get sick. So here is a quick reminder of our sick day policy:

You get 5 sick days a year. You DO NOT have to use them all. If you have some left over at the end of the year you’ll get…nothing. But try not to use them all anyway.

It is our official policy that you should remain at home if you are sick. However, keep in mind that it is also our “official” policy to reward hard work, promote from within, and not sexually harass hot interns.

If you do have to stay home be sure to call your supervisor. Give him or her details of your illness. Don’t leave anything out. (Even if it involves the bathroom!)

If you have to be out more than a day, you might want to request that some work be sent to your home. If you are going to be out more than two days, your position will be given to someone who isn’t so weak.

Stay healthy, or else.

Things to do on Sunday night

The weekend is almost over (boo). So now it’s time to take care of all the shit you were supposed to get done over the last two days. Remember what you said on Friday?

“I am not going to fuck around all weekend. I’m going to get my work done and leave Sunday evening totally free.’

Well it’s Sunday evening, and you haven’t done shit. So turn off the TV, grab a fifth beer and get to work.

Work on your portfolio.
This job is never done. You either have to start it. Or if it’s done, you have to revise it.

Do the work you were supposed to do on Friday, but you didn’t.
It’s a scientific fact that none no one is capable of working after 3:30 on a Friday.

Send emails to freelance clients telling them that you are almost finished with their assignment.
Almost finished, almost started-same thing.

Charge phone, iPods, Bluetooth earpieces, etc.


Do your laundry.
Monday is not tank-top and Speedo day.

Work on your Secret Project.
You thought we didn’t know about it, did you? We are a blog, we know all.

Mentally prepare yourself for the week ahead.
I recommend making up a new nickname for the boss. (Dickweed, Asshat, Captain 80’s)

Get a good night’s sleep.
Use booze or pills.

Promise yourself that next weekend you will definitely NOT put off everything till Sunday night.
Repeat each week.

Write your blog post.
Uh, hey how about another list!

Advertising perks that aren’t really worth it.

Free Lunches
An hour spent talking shop with your co-workers. Or worse, TWO hours listening to the client talk about the renovations on their beach house.

Office Parties
Free food and free drinks. But you have to pretend that this is your idea of fun. Plus a sexual harassment lawsuit is always a Jager-shot away.

Free Agency T-Shirts
The “Property of CosmoDemonic Creative Department” shirt really looses its appeal after they lay you off.

Free Product
How many tubes of toothpaste do you really need?

Late-night Pizza
Other bloggers have already written about this so I’ll just add one thing. Who’s the fucker who always orders the veggie pizza?

First Class Travel
At the end of a 16 hour shoot, there is very little difference between the 4 Seasons and Motel 6.

Free Internet
The internet is not a “perk.” It’s a necessity.

Free Tickets to Sporting Events
Actually, that’s pretty cool.

Free Tickets to Sporting Events, But You Have to Sit in the Section Where Business People Network.
Oh shit. Shut the fuck up Lance. I can’t concentrate on the game while you’re trying to convince your client to buy six more units of Fleet enemas.

We are too big too

Okay, so here is the “bailout” plan summed up for simple people like us. The US government will take $700 billion in taxpayer money and give it to the financial industry to save their sorry asses. They may have made terrible decisions. They may have made really stupid mistakes. They may have committed crimes. But we have to do this because…THEY ARE TOO BIG TO FAIL.

But if you ask me, there is another group that is too big to fail. It’s the advertising industry. Imagine for a second what would happen if we stopped oiling the wheels of capitalism. People wouldn’t know what to buy. They would wander the aisles of supermarkets and malls with no one to guide them. They would be happy with their current cars. They wouldn’t worry about their weight. They would realize that fast-food tastes like shit.

And think about the social outcome. An army of virtually unemployable people would suddenly be out on the streets. With nowhere to go, it wouldn’t be long before they turned to violence or religion.

So here is my bailout plan. Every man, woman and junior art director in advertising will be given $1 million. (Jane, you figure out the Canadian equivalent.) And we will continue to do what we do best, convince people to buy shit they don’t need. Thus securing the future of the capitalist world.

Now if the powers that be are concerned that we are not to be trusted with that kind of cash, let me point out that we have made some terrible decisions (New Coke?) We have made some stupid mistakes (Jerry and Bill spots). And we have committed crimes so heinous, we won’t even confess to them on an anonymous blog,

20 things to think about while your boss is talking to you.

1. My god, your nostrils are huge!

2. How did you rise to this level in your career? Was it dumb luck, or are you related to someone?

3. Why do you always smell like that?

4. I should quit right now. I should quit right now. I should quit right now.

5. Things would go so much smoother if you just stayed at home.

6. Give me the job and the due date. Then shut the fuck up.

7. Do you have any idea how much your staff hates you?

8. What is with your hair?

9. Why do you make three times as much as I do when I’m twice as smart?

10. Do you even know what YouTube is?

11. Do you ever fantasize about me? Ick!

12. Please don’t use hip-hop terms. It makes me cringe.

13. I wonder what sort of weird, freaky shit you get into outside the office.

14. Why do you keep repeating the same things over and over?

15. I can’t believe you get paid to do this.

16. Is the fact that you are my boss prove that the universe is completely unfair or simply in a state of chaos.

17. Do you realize that the hipper you dress, the sadder you look?

18. Am I going to turn into you one day?

19. Do you actually believe any of the shit you say?

20. When can I get up and leave?

How to get a job in advertising

Chapter 6-Freelancing
So you did a bunch of interviews, but the phone isn’t exactly ringing off the hook. Well, these things take time. And luckily, you did get one phone call. An agency has asked if you would like to do some freelancing, and they want you to start tomorrow!

So what are you waiting for? Put on some jeans and your most ironic t-shirt and head to your first professional advertising gig.

You have arrived.
Well look at you. Your own cube. The crappy hand-me-down computer that no one else wants. You have totally made it. Hey, who’s that next door? It’s your cubical neighbor! Maybe you should pay them a visit. Well, that didn’t go so well. They were kind of…cold. It’s not your fault. You see, as a new freelancer, you are sort of a ghost person. No one is sure if you’re going to be there for a day or a decade. So people tend to be cautious about making attachments. (Note: If you are a wildly attractive man or woman this is not true.)

So with no hope of human interaction, you might as well get to work. What will you be working on? Usually when an agency hires freelancers it’s because they are swamped. So there will be lots of work to do. Copywriters may find themselves writing tons of TV scripts (cool) or even naming a product (shitty). Art Directors may find themselves working on layouts that some other AD started. (If you find yourself completing another AD’s layout, one of two things will be true. One, the other AD will have not labeled his layers. Two, the specs will be WRONG.)

So now that you’re a freelancer. It might be a good time to look at the Pluses and Minuses.

Plus:
The Money-WOW! Look at that day rate! You’re making a fortune. Who cares if you never get a full-time gig? This is way better!

Minus:
You don’t get health insurance. So you either have to self-insure, or you have to real careful crossing the street. And you might want to give Grandma a call and see if anything runs in the family. If you can’t talk to Grandma because she is dead, you definitely need health insurance.

Plus:
I can work anytime I want!

Minus:
You work anytime they want you. Dry spells can be loooong.

Shit! I finally got a fulltime job. Now I have to stop freelancing!
Uh, no you don’t. You see all creatives continue to do freelance work even after they become salaried employees. (Account people don’t get to do this. We figure they make their extra money buy skimming off the media budget.) Many creatives are quite open about doing freelance work, at work. They’ll use company printers to print their layouts. They’ll spend most of the day working on a pitch. I’ve seen creative duck out early when the agency is in full crisis mode, because they have a meeting with their freelance client. You’d think people would get in trouble for this, but almost no one ever does. The Creative directors are probably too busy doing their freelance jobs to notice.

A note on permalance.
Sometimes, when and agency is very confused, it will pay a freelancer for years. This is called permalance. You get all the benefits of a fulltime gig and the high pay of a freelancer. If you ever find yourself in this position, stay there.

The Origin of Marketing Terms

Volume 1-
Definition- The use of repetition to create a brand identity in the mind of the consumer.

Client Definition-My boss approved last year’s ad, so let’s run it again.

Art Director Definition-I don’t want to come up with a new layout. Can’t I just use last year’s ad and switch out the photos?

Copywriter Definition-We’ll use the headline and copy from the brochure.

Media Buyer Definition-We must run the spot at least 6 times every hour.

Origin-Murky, but was most likely created as an excuse when a Creative Director wanted to know why no one had come up with any new ideas.

Examples of use.

Account Supervisor- We believe that our media buy and new creative strategy will solidify the brand identity in our target demographic, thus increasing our branding.

Creative- It’s not copied. It’s branding!

Global Head of Marketing-What the fuck is branding?