Wednesday, June 25, 2008

How to get laid(off)

It starts as whispers in the hallways. Then the bosses have a series of mysterious meetings. And the next thing you know…your agency is laying people off.

During a recession, layoffs are a fact of life. So here are a few words of advice for our younger readers:

1. Do not panic! There is probably not a whole lot you can do if your time is up. Working late nights and weekends is not going to save your job. (But it might not be a good time to blow off work and head to the beach.)

2. It probably has nothing to do with your job performance. Here’s how 99% of layoffs work. Your boss’s boss tells him to cut his budget by X dollars. Then your boss sits down with a list of salaries and tries to hit that exact amount. He/she tries out several combinations until he/she hits the magic number. Remember that 1.7% raise you fought so hard for? Believe it or not, that could be the reason why you’re out on the street.

3. Luckily, you’re prepared. Your book and website are completely up… What do you mean they’re not? Then get to work! Immediately demand copies of all your print/TV/radio/web projects. Believe me, you don’t want to be scrambling for samples while you’re cleaning out your desk.

4. Do not doubt yourself. Remember, it is probably not your fault. Do not take a layoff as evidence that you have no talent.

5. Stay in touch with your former coworkers. Reply to their emails, meet them for drinks and update your facebook info. The more friends you have in this industry, the better.

6. You get one week of total booze/drugs debauchery. Any more than that, and you could end up in rehab.

7. Steal everything that’s not nailed down.

8. Dust off your secret project. You know the one I’m talking about.


Joker said...

Also, don't take this as the perfect opportunity to tell all in regards to all your co-workers. I know the temptation is there, but heading out with your head high and your lips sealed is often much better than flipping everyone off and telling it like it is.

dearjanesample said...

also, don't walk around saying "they will never lay me off! I MADE this agency! Why the account would CRUMBLE with out me!" You'll be the first to go because everyones annoyed with you.

Joker said...

Plus, you'll give the perfect opp for the agency to show it doesn't need you. Some things are way better not to be said.

adhack said...

Agencies think they don't need anyone.

They could fire the 10 most important employees and watch as their billings go down the toilet, but they still won't admit it was because of the people they let go.

Joker said...

A Statement worthy of a post Master Hack.