From: CosmoDemonic HR Department
The financial outlook for upcoming quarters is not very good, so in the next few weeks we will be initiating a number of cost-cutting methods to help keep CosmoDemonic profitable. Some will affect all of you, and some will affect some of you.
• We have revised our contract with Adobe so that only the most senior art directors will have access to the latest software. Lesser employees are encouraged to use a BIT of ingenuity TO pREveNT this from affecting productivity. (wink, wink)
• The refrigerator in the front kitchen will be turned off at night. If you have any food that needs to remain chilled, please transfer it to the brown fridge in the basement. (Note-The General Manager’s fridge is for his personal use only. Do not touch.)
• Starting next month, we will have a new health insurance program. Our new company will provide similar benefits at a reduced cost. If you have any questions, you may call their customer service hotline at 001-987-028348-9992782-9922-2 (Fluency in Serbo-Croatian will be helpful.)
• We can no longer afford a huge collection of fonts. From now on, you will limit yourself to the following: Futura, Helvetica, Times New Roman and Comic Sans. (Our client’s favorites!)
• To save on stock photography, we have placed a large collection of previously purchased photos on the server. With a little creativity, these can work for any ad. Who says you can’t have a picture of a kitten in an ad for condoms? Let’s think outside the box, people! (And feel free to bring in photos from home. Just think, you could make Aunt Mavis a star!)
• All sponsorship and charitable programs are temporarily on hold. It’s time the orphans learned that our world is an unpredictable and terrifying place.
• There is now a freeze on all raises. If you just had your review last week, congratulations. If your review is next week, bummer.
• Obviously some people will have to be laid-off. If you have received this email, your job is secure for the present. If you did not receive this email, you are being let go. Please spread the word.
• You are not alone. In a gesture of solidarity, our General Manager has traded in his company BMW M5 for a 750Li. This extreme sacrifice is a major blow to his social standing. If you survive the upcoming purges, please stop by his office to say, “Thank you.”
• Help is on the way. For the next weak and a half, the VPs will be attending a seminar on the Island of Molokai. They will be learning new methods of cutting costs and improving company morale. (Note-Since we will be short staffed during this time, some employees may need to work late and on the weekends.)
Remember, we are all in this together!