To: CosmoDemonic Creative Department
Re: A Friendly Reminder
As you know, our office hours are 9am to 5pm. We have noticed that many members of the creative department are ignoring this and coming to the office at 9:30, 10 or even later! This practice must stop. As an employee you are required to put in at least 7 hours a day.
Now we realize that the concept of rules may be confusing to some of you. So here are some Frequently Asked Questions about our office hours:
If I come in early, does that mean I can leave early?
No. We encourage all our employees to come in early. We see it as a sign of dedication and company loyalty. But if you use early arrival as an excuse for knocking off at 4:30 so you can spend time with your family, we will have no choice but to terminate you.
Can I leave if I’m done with my work?
No. A creative’s work is NEVER done. If you finish before 5, please sit quietly in your cube and try not to disturb your coworkers. If this occurs regularly, take a tip from our lazier employees and slow down.
I get to the office around 9:30 and leave at 5, but I work at home for several hours every…
Okay, we knew this was going to come up. For the last time, WORKING AT HOME DOES NOT COUNT AS REAL WORK. We have no idea what you people are doing in your homes (and we don’t want to know.). Oh sure, you claim you spent two hours working on that layout, but how do we know you didn’t put it together during your morning commute? Oh, and you can stop using the “2am email trick” even we’ve heard of that one.
I regularly work more that 7 hours a day. Is this a problem?
No, no, no, no, no. You see, when it comes to minimum hours, we are totally fanatical. But when it comes to maximum hours, we are totally laid back. You want to work 14 –hour days and ignore your family? No problemo. You want to spend weekends sitting alone at the office? Cool. You want to work so many hours that you have a massive heart attack at 34? We’ll send your spouse a ham!
This does not make sense. It seems like you are judging us simply by the number of hours we sit in our chairs. By this reasoning, an employee who works hard and finishes their work quickly is less valuable than a slacker who surfs the web all day.
Good point. What’s your name?
Um, I forget.